Inquiry into Desire and Ill Will
5. Working in the Gap & Breaking Through
The first (or tenth) time through this process, no perceptible ‘result’ may occur, or it may ‘take’ the first time: it really does vary. Also, reactions may start up so quickly that there is no “gap”, or the gap may be noticeable almost immediately.
One image that may be helpful is that both the unpleasant fact and the incipient reactions are right there in view in the “gap”. You are in a front row seat, as it were. With both sides of the gap blaring away with “this is happening” and “this is what you should be doing about it!!”, what connects or bridges that gap should be right in front of you! With such a focused perspective, nothing is hidden: only thoughts, images and stories can drag you away from such clarity. Be confident that this is “the place to be”.
From this perspective, it might seem as though there is a bar, rope or rod that connects what is simply happening now (the fact and its associated sensations) and the possible reactions. If so, the inquiry can be about seeing clearly whether or not there really is such a connector.
The following are some suggestions to keep in mind:
A challenging part of this is to not go along with the thoughts, emotions and stories that naturally arise, and to stay just with what is simply happening in experience “in the gap”. It’s so easy to get sidetracked by the words and images that cascade down around this issue, even just going on memory. Maintaining a laser-like focus on just that bare fact, that what you want isn’t happening and it naturally feels a certain way, is all you need to do. Intone the phrase now and again to try and maintain contact with the sensations, what may feel like keeping a pot of soup on a low.
Eventually, staying with both the basic sensory experience and the incipient push/pull of reaction will be possible. This vantage point may be unstable at first, so just keep coming back to it. It may take a few looking sessions for this to settle in.
Initial Weakening
At some point, you will have looked and looked, and still not found anything that corresponds to the reason to react. Sure, it seems like something should be here somewhere, but there isn’t. It may start to get frustrating or boring to do the looking. If so, what conclusion have you reached thus far? Is there something findable within what is simply happening in experience which causes the reactions? If there isn’t now, has there ever been? Try alternating “there’s nothing actually here” with your phrase, not to stimulate another reaction or “lead the witness”, but simply to reinforce what you now know.
Once you are able to look steadily and directly for the desire apparently causing all the reactions, you can conclusively know that… there is nothing there. If it starts to seem obvious, look again and again, within what is simply happening in experience: nope, nothing. Spend a few minutes letting the fact that there’s actually nothing there sink in. Perhaps you’ve been with this person or issue for several minutes, maybe the better part of a day, and you’ve proven that there is no reason to react. What do you know: there's no such thing as desire!
When the penny drops on not finding the 'desire' and/or “ill will’ supposedly behind reactions, the focus issue itself should deflate, and the reactions may be difficult to start up again. It may even seem silly to have been concerned about this issue. It will no doubt come up again, perhaps tomorrow or an hour from now, but will likely be and seem different.
Some expectation management may be in order. There may be no “blink” of consciousness or other perceptible event at all. Also, the conclusive “aha” moment you may (or may not) have experienced when the separate “self” evaporated may (or may not) be the case here. But you’ll know it when it happens, because the urge to react to this or any other experience will have tangible diminished.
A good course of action may to just get up and get on with your life, and let this experience sink in. The issue focused upon, as well as other “weighty” issues, should have more space around them, allowing some time for choosing a different response. For every potential push/pull situation, you can use the same looking process. My catch phrase was along the lines of “Where is the reason for this reaction: why?”, and it got to the point where simply asking “Why???” made issues start to deflate because I once couldn’t find a reason to react. Of course, rather than just asking “Why?” and moving on, I actually needed to stop and look.
Watch closely how you respond over the next few days to typical triggers, such as difficult people or situations: what is the level of your response, before and after the encounter? Do issues seem as though they are in your face, or at arm’s length? Do the reactions persist for quite a while, or do they subside fairly quickly? Weakening these fetters means the reactions still come up, perhaps over and over again, but don't overwhelm.
Echoes, Doubts and Breaking
Once you start to let go of the illusion that something is necessarily dictating how you should respond to a given situation, it is normal that a sense of vertigo or an adrenaline rush may occur. Habitual reactive patterns, if not acted upon, can create huge echoes, urgent messages that say “Hey, I should be reacting in the following way!!…”, because you always have. “The button was pushed, so I should be seeing what I normally see me doing: something’s wrong!!”. And yet, you’re fine!
There can thus be a sense of working without a net: your reactions were a reliable, predictable means of responding to the world, even though the outcomes were often quite painful. The inventory of ready-to-go reactions was the net you are now experimenting working without. The adrenaline may still flow, and it will often feel like you should be doing or saying something. The adrenaline can be a handy indicator that a desire is "trying to trigger", but consciously or subconsciously you are saying “nah, I don't think you're really there...”.
This process can produce something of an abrupt change in how life is experienced, since you go from reacting to certain situations to not in a short period of time. For example, going in and directly seeing that there is no self can be followed by “echoes” that occur, as if the self is about to re-form in certain situations where the sense of a “self” was often most prominent. So too, there can be echoes of ‘desiring’, where it seems like reactions are starting up when it’s really just being in a situation where reactions always DID start up. Also, unlike seeing through the self, which was a unitary thing that was easily noticeable, desire comes in so many variants and strengths that it may seem like the illusion is coming back. As such, it may take a while to get used to this new perspective. This can be a bit disorienting, and while no longer truly reacting can be such a relief, and even delightful, don’t be surprised if there are some tears and sadness, and even regret, as you realize how reactive you have been in the past.
To the extent that it was a habit to search your inventory for how to respond, a new habit of just staying with experience has to be learned - maybe 'trusted' is a better word. A new response can and will arise, and sometimes the best response might be no response at all.
One of the primary things to deal with here may be doubt. If these two fetters are just weakened, there may be the expectation that the push and pull won’t even start up any more. It will! Desire and ill will go a lot deeper than the separate “self” did: this is in many ways a different seeing-through experience. Therefore, comparisons with what happened when the “self” evaporated are not necessarily applicable here. Just keep coming back to seeing in simple, everyday experience: there is no reason to react. There is no button, nothing behind the stories and tensions that want to start up. You saw it yourself, directly. And yet… all this stuff, the stories and sensations, still wants to cascade down, and to some extent probably will for a while.
There may be a speculation that a residual “me” delusion is still lurking. Trust that the illusion of a separate self or ego, if it was in fact gone, stays gone: this is simply all the exquisite crap that went into maintaining it. At the same time, there can still be a strong sense of “here” even though the "self" delusion is gone: this is absolutely normal. Even after the illusion of a separate self goes away, there is still an underlying tendency to identify with experience to one degree or another, and it is not until the eighth fetter falls that the last vestiges of “I” or “me” finally evaporate.
There can also be doubt that seeing through desire an ill will can be this easy, and that the tendency to react can just evaporate after a lifetime of doing it. However, as with the ego or separate "self", once fully seen, that’s it. There really is absolutely no reason, findable in experience, why you have to respond to anybody or anything in any particular way. It’s always been that way: you have just overlooked it until now.
The degree of reactivity will likely gradually lessen as the insubstantiality of “desire” becomes more apparent. The adrenaline and “OMG, I should be…” thoughts may also slowly fade away, especially once you go through a typical encounter and learn that a different way of responding works better; the next time the urge to react to that particular stimulus is much lessened. There can also be some adrenalin in doing new and different things, a “Whoa, I should not be doing this…”, similar to strapping on ice skates for the first time.
Keep noticing how other issues feel: do they have less strength to them? Irritability, longing, etc. may arise but can start to stand out like a sore thumb. Once it is seen that there is actually no reason to put yourself through that process, the whole reactive complex just keeps collapsing. After the initial weakening, there can be several more additional weakenings.
At some point, perhaps weeks or months after the weakening, the doubt and/or amazement regarding this new perspective can give way to something more akin to “well, of course…”. That process took several weeks for me as I slowly but surely became used to it. At that point, it started to really seem pointless that even the initial onset of the push and pull should occur. The fetters were so weak they just needed to go. It was then I sat down again with my “favorite” issue and fully dissolved the tendency to react, using the same looking procedure as before.
One image that may be helpful is that both the unpleasant fact and the incipient reactions are right there in view in the “gap”. You are in a front row seat, as it were. With both sides of the gap blaring away with “this is happening” and “this is what you should be doing about it!!”, what connects or bridges that gap should be right in front of you! With such a focused perspective, nothing is hidden: only thoughts, images and stories can drag you away from such clarity. Be confident that this is “the place to be”.
From this perspective, it might seem as though there is a bar, rope or rod that connects what is simply happening now (the fact and its associated sensations) and the possible reactions. If so, the inquiry can be about seeing clearly whether or not there really is such a connector.
The following are some suggestions to keep in mind:
- There may be a tendency to unconsciously gravitate towards focusing on what IS seen or heard, rather than what is desired or missing from the picture. For example, if you started with “Fred doesn’t tell the truth”, it may morph into “Fred tells one lie after another”. It may be fine, although by focusing on what you don’t like or want, the resulting reactions might make it harder to stay in the gap.
- The “problem statement” may subtly change to a reaction or interpretation, such as “Fred doesn’t tell the truth” to “Fred doesn’t want to tell the truth” or “Fred can’t tell the truth”. Or, “I am not symptom-free” can change to “Life is just so hard”. This transition can occur quickly, perhaps imperceptibly. If you find you have made such a transition, come back to something that the physical senses could pick up, that requires no interpretation, and start the inquiry up again.
- There may be the tendency to lump what is being searched for in with the thoughts, the emotions, the stories, the physical sensations, etc. to make one amorphous complex. It can thus seem like the reactions, the stories and the feelings are the cause or reacting, rather than the result. It is of course true that as one story comes up, a reactive story will likely lead to more such stories, but the intent is to get underneath the first story, search for what leads to that story.
- If what the mechanism seems to be changes, that is quite normal, and if so, just look for what it now seems to be. For example, what at first felt like a button being pushed may change to what seems more like a hard-wired program starting to run. Or, it may seem more general, as if an old “habit” is being triggered. Whatever it seems to be, that’s the current ‘thing’ to look for. However, if you’re on your third or fourth image of what seems to be causing the reactions, jumping from one apparent cause to another may itself be a reaction, and a way of avoiding the actual looking.
- You may also find yourself saying “there's no button, etc. - this is silly, a conceptual exercise”. And yet, the reactions still arise when the issue is brought to mind. At some level, you must believe in some sort of cause-and-effect relationship, thus something that connects what’s happening to the potential reactions, no? So, try not to talk yourself out of the fact that reactivity is still arising, or talk yourself out of looking for the reason it is arising.
- Similarly, thoughts along the line that “there’s no me, and no them, so there’s no one reacting to nothing” can arise, by which you effectively bypass the reactions and allow them to settle back down into (temporary) obscurity. For purposes of this inquiry, please allow everything to be as “real” as it might normally seem to be, rather than deconstructing what is happening into mere thoughts and sensations, or otherwise questioning the “reality” of what is happening. If there is any urge to react, please trust that, at a very fundamental level, you really do see it all as “real” enough to react to.
- If the search seems a bit vague, consider that there is something about you by which the reactions are arising, whereas no one else on the planet would have the exact same reactions, and many may not react at all. What unique 'thing' in you is the mechanism, reason or cause behind the reactions, which only you have? If there wasn’t such an aspect that you have, the reactions wouldn’t occur.
- If the issue starts to lose its energy, take a break and come back to it later: you may be somewhat desensitized to it. If there is still too little energy behind the issue to engage with it, it may be helpful to calm the mind, perhaps through meditation, or just focusing on the various sensations throughout the body in order to ground yourself a bit. You can also change the phrase back to what is the case, such as going from “Fred often doesn’t tell the truth” to “Fred often lies to me”, which will generally give a heightened sense of urgency and interest.
- In many cases, the initial issue being looked at turns out to be not very significant after all, in that the tendency to react to it more or less disappears. If so, chances are there is a much deeper and more important issue, perhaps from childhood, that will now be more obvious as one of “the” issues in life.
A challenging part of this is to not go along with the thoughts, emotions and stories that naturally arise, and to stay just with what is simply happening in experience “in the gap”. It’s so easy to get sidetracked by the words and images that cascade down around this issue, even just going on memory. Maintaining a laser-like focus on just that bare fact, that what you want isn’t happening and it naturally feels a certain way, is all you need to do. Intone the phrase now and again to try and maintain contact with the sensations, what may feel like keeping a pot of soup on a low.
Eventually, staying with both the basic sensory experience and the incipient push/pull of reaction will be possible. This vantage point may be unstable at first, so just keep coming back to it. It may take a few looking sessions for this to settle in.
Initial Weakening
At some point, you will have looked and looked, and still not found anything that corresponds to the reason to react. Sure, it seems like something should be here somewhere, but there isn’t. It may start to get frustrating or boring to do the looking. If so, what conclusion have you reached thus far? Is there something findable within what is simply happening in experience which causes the reactions? If there isn’t now, has there ever been? Try alternating “there’s nothing actually here” with your phrase, not to stimulate another reaction or “lead the witness”, but simply to reinforce what you now know.
Once you are able to look steadily and directly for the desire apparently causing all the reactions, you can conclusively know that… there is nothing there. If it starts to seem obvious, look again and again, within what is simply happening in experience: nope, nothing. Spend a few minutes letting the fact that there’s actually nothing there sink in. Perhaps you’ve been with this person or issue for several minutes, maybe the better part of a day, and you’ve proven that there is no reason to react. What do you know: there's no such thing as desire!
When the penny drops on not finding the 'desire' and/or “ill will’ supposedly behind reactions, the focus issue itself should deflate, and the reactions may be difficult to start up again. It may even seem silly to have been concerned about this issue. It will no doubt come up again, perhaps tomorrow or an hour from now, but will likely be and seem different.
Some expectation management may be in order. There may be no “blink” of consciousness or other perceptible event at all. Also, the conclusive “aha” moment you may (or may not) have experienced when the separate “self” evaporated may (or may not) be the case here. But you’ll know it when it happens, because the urge to react to this or any other experience will have tangible diminished.
A good course of action may to just get up and get on with your life, and let this experience sink in. The issue focused upon, as well as other “weighty” issues, should have more space around them, allowing some time for choosing a different response. For every potential push/pull situation, you can use the same looking process. My catch phrase was along the lines of “Where is the reason for this reaction: why?”, and it got to the point where simply asking “Why???” made issues start to deflate because I once couldn’t find a reason to react. Of course, rather than just asking “Why?” and moving on, I actually needed to stop and look.
Watch closely how you respond over the next few days to typical triggers, such as difficult people or situations: what is the level of your response, before and after the encounter? Do issues seem as though they are in your face, or at arm’s length? Do the reactions persist for quite a while, or do they subside fairly quickly? Weakening these fetters means the reactions still come up, perhaps over and over again, but don't overwhelm.
Echoes, Doubts and Breaking
Once you start to let go of the illusion that something is necessarily dictating how you should respond to a given situation, it is normal that a sense of vertigo or an adrenaline rush may occur. Habitual reactive patterns, if not acted upon, can create huge echoes, urgent messages that say “Hey, I should be reacting in the following way!!…”, because you always have. “The button was pushed, so I should be seeing what I normally see me doing: something’s wrong!!”. And yet, you’re fine!
There can thus be a sense of working without a net: your reactions were a reliable, predictable means of responding to the world, even though the outcomes were often quite painful. The inventory of ready-to-go reactions was the net you are now experimenting working without. The adrenaline may still flow, and it will often feel like you should be doing or saying something. The adrenaline can be a handy indicator that a desire is "trying to trigger", but consciously or subconsciously you are saying “nah, I don't think you're really there...”.
This process can produce something of an abrupt change in how life is experienced, since you go from reacting to certain situations to not in a short period of time. For example, going in and directly seeing that there is no self can be followed by “echoes” that occur, as if the self is about to re-form in certain situations where the sense of a “self” was often most prominent. So too, there can be echoes of ‘desiring’, where it seems like reactions are starting up when it’s really just being in a situation where reactions always DID start up. Also, unlike seeing through the self, which was a unitary thing that was easily noticeable, desire comes in so many variants and strengths that it may seem like the illusion is coming back. As such, it may take a while to get used to this new perspective. This can be a bit disorienting, and while no longer truly reacting can be such a relief, and even delightful, don’t be surprised if there are some tears and sadness, and even regret, as you realize how reactive you have been in the past.
To the extent that it was a habit to search your inventory for how to respond, a new habit of just staying with experience has to be learned - maybe 'trusted' is a better word. A new response can and will arise, and sometimes the best response might be no response at all.
One of the primary things to deal with here may be doubt. If these two fetters are just weakened, there may be the expectation that the push and pull won’t even start up any more. It will! Desire and ill will go a lot deeper than the separate “self” did: this is in many ways a different seeing-through experience. Therefore, comparisons with what happened when the “self” evaporated are not necessarily applicable here. Just keep coming back to seeing in simple, everyday experience: there is no reason to react. There is no button, nothing behind the stories and tensions that want to start up. You saw it yourself, directly. And yet… all this stuff, the stories and sensations, still wants to cascade down, and to some extent probably will for a while.
There may be a speculation that a residual “me” delusion is still lurking. Trust that the illusion of a separate self or ego, if it was in fact gone, stays gone: this is simply all the exquisite crap that went into maintaining it. At the same time, there can still be a strong sense of “here” even though the "self" delusion is gone: this is absolutely normal. Even after the illusion of a separate self goes away, there is still an underlying tendency to identify with experience to one degree or another, and it is not until the eighth fetter falls that the last vestiges of “I” or “me” finally evaporate.
There can also be doubt that seeing through desire an ill will can be this easy, and that the tendency to react can just evaporate after a lifetime of doing it. However, as with the ego or separate "self", once fully seen, that’s it. There really is absolutely no reason, findable in experience, why you have to respond to anybody or anything in any particular way. It’s always been that way: you have just overlooked it until now.
The degree of reactivity will likely gradually lessen as the insubstantiality of “desire” becomes more apparent. The adrenaline and “OMG, I should be…” thoughts may also slowly fade away, especially once you go through a typical encounter and learn that a different way of responding works better; the next time the urge to react to that particular stimulus is much lessened. There can also be some adrenalin in doing new and different things, a “Whoa, I should not be doing this…”, similar to strapping on ice skates for the first time.
Keep noticing how other issues feel: do they have less strength to them? Irritability, longing, etc. may arise but can start to stand out like a sore thumb. Once it is seen that there is actually no reason to put yourself through that process, the whole reactive complex just keeps collapsing. After the initial weakening, there can be several more additional weakenings.
At some point, perhaps weeks or months after the weakening, the doubt and/or amazement regarding this new perspective can give way to something more akin to “well, of course…”. That process took several weeks for me as I slowly but surely became used to it. At that point, it started to really seem pointless that even the initial onset of the push and pull should occur. The fetters were so weak they just needed to go. It was then I sat down again with my “favorite” issue and fully dissolved the tendency to react, using the same looking procedure as before.