Desire and Ill Will - Sample Dialogue 1
Hi! What you wrote is very helpful to understand where you're at and in general what things have been like in the last year or two.
You mentioned that you are certainly aware of ill will, irritation, and craving arising, which is great. Would you say they are more prominent, less, or about the same as they were before going through Liberation Unleashed? Put another way, do you feel like you are more sensitized to when they arise, less so, or about the same? Just curious how the pushing and pulling at experience feels now that a "self" isn't overlain on everything...
And since you mentioned ill will first: how does ill will manifest in your life? Is it a gentle undercurrent, periods of relative calm punctuated by very strong emotional experiences, etc.? And is there a particular issue, person or situation that comes up the most, gets you hottest under the collar, keeps you up at night, or however it manifests? In other words, if there was one situation in your life that, if you had a magic wand, you could "fix", what is that situation?
I look forward to reading your responses :-)
- - - - - - - -
Ok - so yes, ill will is certainly still present in my experience. I am not a great fan of these various personality labelling systems, but from the 'three type' version we sometimes use in the movement, I would say I fell into the 'Hate type' category. I think this is more apparent than craving.
I am pretty sure this manifests less strongly than before, but I think I am much more fed up about it, and aware of it when it manifests. It mostly appears in relation to people, and it does seem to be a bit of a 'default mode' - when encountering others a judgmental process will kick in, more often than not with some critical element.
It particularly happens at work, with my colleagues there. There have been a number of occasions over the past few years when two particular colleagues have caused a strong response in me, and one in particular in the last few months. For one reason or another (partly because of this incident), I have avoided interacting with them as I can, so the intensity of the sensation has diminished, but contacts will be getting more frequent over the coming couple of weeks - so it will be interesting to see! If "fixing" were an option it would certainly be good to see my responses to others, particularly those who 'press my buttons' getting more generous and less reactive.
- - - - - - - -
It's great you're aware that, if there was a valid three-label model, which label generally applies. That there is a current person(s) with whom this is manifesting may be a good inroad.
When you are ready, please generally/briefly describe the most challenging situation. What do they typically do or say, and what have been/are your responses? What are some of the thoughts or stories that go through your head?
As you write it down, just going on memory, does it feel about the same or different than 'in-person' in terms of the energy in your reactions & responses?
- - - - - - - -
I’m adding this postscript in here at the beginning! I actually found this much harder to write. I would keep getting into reflective and explaining mode, so would stop and try to recapture the actual feeling. So it has taken longer, and may well take more work"
It’s fine, the momentum is carrying me forward so far, and it’s good to be getting into this stuff
I see one issue looming already however, even as I start to consider what to write and how to convey it - which is that when put down it’s clear how feeble and superficial these events are. Nonetheless, they still seem to have the power to stir me up, so here we go.
The most ‘profitable’ situation to consider is a long running interaction with two people at work, which has caused numerous episodes of distress and anger over some years, and seems quite likely to continue to do so. The interactions with ‘1’ and ‘2’ have a number of similarities, but some differences in detail. The more recent have been with ‘1’ so I will explore those in more detail.
‘1’ has been there longer than I have, and has some standing in the department. Reflecting on the episodes now results in a sense of some embarrassment, as I suspect the responses I was experiencing were probably mirrors of his own, but nonetheless I will try to report matters as I experienced them
So - he has been a presence ever since I first went to work there. I have always had the sense that he had a rather negative view of me and how I go about things. The most recent episode was provoked when I was coordinating a project with another group, and had those others do a fair bit of the work. 1 erupted about the role they were taking, and my part in bringing them in. My reaction was initially of shock, and then anger and frustration about his responses to my actions in general. In talking to our supervisor, he again expressed his anger with me and my actions. I am due to meet him again on this tomorrow, and in meditation this morning I was aware of a sense of hot, tight energy in my chest in anticipation of the meeting. This episode follows on from a series of events in which I have developed the view that I have been undermined, excluded and unappreciated by him.
- - - - - - - -
Thank you for taking the time necessary to write it out - I can imagine it was difficult at times to get the words down. I appreciate your patience and courage in doing this!
And yes, I think this is indeed a "profitable" scenario, fairly long-standing in nature and a recurring source of a lot of energy and reaction. As you see it, 1 has undermined, excluded and not appreciated you - not a good situation, to be sure! It may be difficult to appreciate all that goes into what he says and does in the interactions the two of you have, what his history is and so forth, but you certainly are witness to the result of that.
One of the distinctions made in this inquiry is what the other person says/does and what they don't say/do. His erupting about the role others were playing, what he said to your supervisor, and others were of course examples of what he did say and do. It sounds like there are several other instances of where you believe he has undermined and excluded you by what he said and did, no?
A question I have is: what is it that you DO want him to say or do, that he doesn't typically say or do? You mentioned that you've developed the view that he doesn't appreciate you - is that perhaps the big issue here?
If not the showing of appreciation, is there another sort of thing you would like him to say or do. Agree with you? Stay calm when you talk?
Whatever it is, can you briefly name or describe what it is you want him to say/do that he typically doesn't, even the words or gestures he would use, such that your interactions would go much differently?
- - - - - - - -
Interesting couple of days since I last wrote - there have been two fairly intense meetings with the ‘1’ in question.
It certainly was quite a difficult experience, writing about these difficulties with ‘1’ - partly shame for reacting in the way I do. There was a lot more awareness of this sort of reaction starting to bubble up in the first of these meetings, when some pretty contentious stuff was being discussed. I found myself trying to imagine that someone I get on well with was saying the words that ‘1’ was saying, and what my reaction would be then. And probably there would be much less adverse reaction. Of course, it would be great if his words were overtly friendly and supportive and in agreement with my point of view (!), but when I reflect on it, it’s not so much what I would like him to say that I would like to change, but rather how I respond. Is it the arising of a self protective “I” that is behind this reaction when I feel I am being undermined or criticised? I suspect there is some truth in my impression that he resents me and dislikes some of my views, and I can understand that, but on top of that I suspect I am building more of a story than is actually present
Anyway, I think I am over-analysing now. So, during the course of this meeting, I could see occasions when I was aware he was finding some of the material painful, but also felt there were times when I felt myself starting to react and tense up to what I saw as him attempting to dominate a conversation and devalue other (Ie - my) contributions. I must say that my own reactions were much less, and I felt much calmer, than I might have previously - perhaps because this exchange is taking place.
I’ll return to your original question I think - is there anything I would like him to say or do differently? Well, it would be great (or to put it another way - I think my own response would be so much more positive) if he occasionally smiled when I made a suggestion or comment, rather than assume a disapproving expression; that he sometimes expressed some support or agreement with some aspect of the comment, rather than invariably (is my view) finding a negative response to make.
- - - - - - - -
Wow, for better or for worse, a very timely set of experiences. I'm sorry it was at times such a painful meeting, but also glad you were able to get through it and make some quite valuable observations.
It's good that you're open to there being what was happening as well as whatever story you were building on top of that. I think that's a key here, even though it is likely very difficult to sort those two things out in the moment. And I don't doubt that, as a result of the looking you've already been doing, some of your reactions were milder :-)
And thank you for homing in on what you would like to see/hear from him. As I hear you, you'd like him to smile and express support, rather than scowl and express disapproval. All fair enough, to be sure, and no doubt would change the nature of a jillion conversations people have every day!
It may be easy to focus on what you don't like, the scowling and the disapproval, since it probably presses a few buttons and starts up a few reactions. However, let's focus on what you DO want to see and hear but don't: a smile and expression of support. It's something that anyone in the room could likely pick up on: perhaps a warm smile and "yes, I agree with that, that's a good point" or some such. As you say, it seems he invariably doesn't respond in this way, which may be overstating it but, in any event, things start to get difficult when he doesn't smile and express support.
As you sit and read this email, try saying the words "he doesn't smile and express support" (or whatever succinctly summarizes it for you) a few times, aloud or in your mind. What happens first as a response: is it thoughts, bodily sensations, tightness, etc.? Maybe try it a few times, taking a few breaths in between to clear the decks as it were so you can get a sense of what sorts of reactions first rise up. Before any significant stories, anxiety and or anything else has a chance to gather steam, what are the first reactions when you bring that unpleasant fact to mind?
And as you bring up "he doesn't smile and express support" each time, what does that initial process of reaction seem to be, at least in symbolic terms. Does it feel like your "1" button gets pushed, a hard-wired programme starts to run, a trigger gets squeezed, etc.? While none of these would of course show up on an x-ray, is there some descriptor that resonates, where it's as if that process or mechanism arises as what is behind the reactions that start to arise?
You're doing great in this, by the way :-) I look forward to hearing about what you find!
- - - - - - - -
So, I'll go straight into that 'first response' exercise. If I sit and bring up, or replay a situation where that characteristic (as it seems to me) response occurs, I feel what is either a tight knot or a leaden heaviness forming in the pit of my stomach, behind the solar plexus. Then there is a 'here we go again' sense, followed by the draining away of energy and enthusiasm. This is more common than a hot sense of anger, though that has happened on occasion.
I don't know about 'button being pressed' or 'trigger squeezed', but there is a sense of habitual reaction to a familiar situation. When discussion around certain areas is going on, there will be a build up of anticipation that I am going to hear the familiar message, and a bit of anticipatory dread and the start of my reaction even before anything has been spoken or conveyed. I guess a bit like a programme has been activated that governs my reaction, and a sense of despondency that goes with it
I'll just post this now rather than try to analyse it any more - keep the flow going
- - - - - - - -
OK, this is great - very clear and direct, so thank you :-)
So, when 1 doesn't smile and express support, it's as if a programme activates, which leads to all sorts of responses and reactions. Whilst some may take that as a cue to get angry, it sounds like your responses are usually to pull back: the draining of energy and enthusiasm, despondency, dread and a heaviness or knot in the stomach.
As you say, there is a sense of habitual reaction to this familiar situation: if 1 doesn't smile or express support, the programme attuned to that starts running again.
OK – let’s do some looking :-) Please read this through before sitting down so you have the gist of it.
Find a quiet place, take a comfortable seat, close your eyes, and relax a bit. Then, bring the thought “1 doesn't smile or express support” to mind to get the sense of it, maybe let the thoughts and stories start up just a little bit around a typical scenario: allow it to be current but not overwhelming. Hold in your experience “1 doesn't smile or express support” that goes against what you want. Yes, that
issue :-)
Then, patiently but persistently, search within what is simply happening in experience for the programme that activates. It's the reason you have reacted in the past, why even now you are probably reacting a fair bit. The reactive responses predictably start up, so while it won't show up on an x-ray, what seems like a programme must be in there somewhere, no?
Please look for the programme itself, the thing itself, the reason any reactions start up. Rather than it being a cognitive or abstract exercise, and try to pinpoint exactly where it is and what it is. It’s not words or images associated with the issue: if those come up, you haven't found the programme, but only the reactions coming from it being activated.
Try to let "1 doesn't smile or express support" be the only thing happening here. If the thoughts, emotions, stories, feelings, etc., do start to come up, that's OK - just know that you are looking underneath them to what is causing them. Back off a little if the reactions start to drag you away, if staying with the basic sense experience (the initial thought and physical sensations) is difficult.
Maybe run “1 doesn't smile or express support” through your mind a few times, and search for the reason why you have to respond in any certain way, why that statement means something in particular to you. It may feel like mild torture, or may seem like you want to scream “but... but… 1 doesn't smile or express support!!”.
Just keep coming back to this basic fact: 1 doesn't smile or express support. Why react? Where is that programme within what is simply happening in experience?
Search for as long as you can, or as long as it takes, maybe taking a break. Maybe come back to it tomorrow.
Looking deeply and patiently, what do you find?
- - - - - - - -
I tried the exercise you suggested - not at an ideal time, a bit rushed and chores on my mind, and it didn't seem very productive. However, as luck would have it (!), another incident occurred which added fuel to the fire and provided a rich experience to work with
The story line is that I became aware of an email written by 1. The initial response was curiosity that 1 should have written an email to this particular person, but within that curiosity was already, I sense, the stirrings of a preparedness to be annoyed. As I read the email and took in the sense of it the reaction came. It was like a hot little volcano in my epigastrium from which emerged all the responses - "he shouldn't have ..."; "he had no right to...."; " he's trying to exert control again"; "he's undermining ....".
At the moment there is no sight of the route between taking in the information, and the emergence of this hot volcano of anger and the angry mental responses. It just seems to be there, emerging as the sense of the information sinks in
That's it for now. I thought I would pass that on while it is fresh, but I will continue to sit with this and the original koan to see if a clearer sense of the process emerges
- - - - - - - -
Of course, a sad corollary of this, as the heat subsides, is that this aversion reaction has overtaken any sense whatsoever of compassion for this guy in what, from his point of view, is a very hard and painful situation
So it's lose/lose all round really, on the back of this aversive reaction
- - - - - - - -
Glad you had a chance to watch the reactive process unfold, and how automatic it seems to happen. And yes, an opportunity lost for a compassionate response - a suggestion though is not get down on yourself too much on that: perhaps notice that the aspiration is there by virtue of looking at all this.
It sounds like the challenge is to read the email and just stay with the bare fact that "he's not expressing support for me". One possible way in is to say to yourself: "OK, he's not expressing support for me: so what??" This is not to dismiss it, but to really ask yourself why it's such a big deal. Where is the reason for that? Simply asking "so what?" can be an effective perspective changer.
And not to be glib, but my guess is that I would read the email and have a different reaction, if any at all. So, what is it about you that is reacting to the email? Where is the mechanism that allows the volcano to start to erupt and flow?
- - - - - - - -
Thanks, some good avenues here
The first could be, as you say, to look at the flip side. More practise of metta and karuna bhavana would quite likely, without helping reveal in any way why aversion is arising, make more likely that a compassionate response will also appear to some degree
And yes, it’s highly likely that you would read the email and not respond as I did. It looks as if there needed to be four factors present for that reaction - the email itself; the history of the situation and previous communications; the history of my relationship with 1 and the pattern of response that has developed (you will have access to neither of the last two); and then, of course, the mystery factor - the underlying reason or mechanism for aversive response in the first place
With that little bit of clarity about the elements present, perhaps reflecting on that last situation, and also some situations which arose de novo, without a history behind then, might reveal something about the basic process. I haven’t had much chance to do that yet. I have tried (but rather briefly) reflecting on the phone call with the bank and my response to my friend, but they feel rather different to this ongoing situation with 1 (which, incidentally, seems to have lost most of its heat now, what with my own reflections and your suggestions). There does seem to be just a hint, a tantalising glimpse of what is behind these responses, but not yet coming into view. I will continue reflecting on these incidents and posing the question and see if more clarity appears
Thanks again - the work continues!
- - - - - - - -
Further reflection ......... and a sense of, or at least an image of, something like a crab lurking in a crevasse in the sea of ‘my’ mental processes, antennae out and sensing all that passes. When something attractive is detected it is out there dragging it in, and when something unattractive or threatening it will be out there nipping and biting and stimulating all sorts of reactions. So it seems very closely allied to vedana, occurring at that early response, once some identification has occurred. It appears to learn, so the first sniff of something experienced before, and either liked or not, will start to kick off the relevant response before the substance has been fully evaluated. So it is just a process going on in mind virtually unconscious until the effects manifest, and virtually uncontrolled. But of course, just a process operating
Will see if that becomes clearer with more attention and awareness
- - - - - - - -
The crab is a good image - I'll have to remember that one! :-) And yes, that even an initial recognition of what might be out there can be enough to get the reaction process going - that's a good thing to notice.
For what it's worth, asking "So What?" was not intended to look at the flip side necessarily, but perhaps a more pointed way of asking why it is there seems to be any sort of reaction needed here: it can beg the question "what's behind all this?". That there has been a tantalising glimpse of what it behind these reactions is great.
There is certainly a lot that has gone into how you react to 1, or the other situations mentioned. Taking that as a given, rather than focusing on what those influencing experiences have been, see if there's anything to which they could possibly contribute. Where is the programme that is apparently interpreting past experiences and making reactions necessary? This can help bring the focus away from thoughts and memories and back to the Gap.
- - - - - - - -
So the latest phenomenon to be observed is the "wizard of oz"! Bringing just enough of a situation to memory to get a feel of this aversion reaction starting to kick in, the crab just starting to get agitated, and trying to get a sense of what it is that it's protecting. And there seems to be nothing. There's nothing there - there just appears to be a reaction that kicks in given certain circumstances, but without anything substantial behind it
What's that all about?!
So given the right circumstances, there is awareness of this process arising - the tightness and tension, the narrowing and hardening of view, the discomfort, the pain that's present with this, the heat - but no source for this - so far, anyway
Interestingly, I have had some physical pain today, fairly minor, but that seems much more neutral. It's just there without a lot of aversive reaction. Maybe not severe enough to prompt that.
I'm not sure if this is what you were suggesting in your last email, but that's where things seem to have gone today anyway
- - - - - - - -
You've found the "spot" I think - staying on the cusp of the reactions starting up: strong enough to really notice them looming, but not too strong such that you fly off into reactions and/or can't inquire as to what might (not) be behind them. If there is the "feel" of aversion - does it feel as if you should be doing/saying something?
And as you've seen so far, there's actually nothing behind it all. Sure, the initial mental and physical responses arise, but do you really have to act on those, go any further with them? Is there really something like a programme that runs, that leads to the whole reactive process?
As you say: what's that all about?? You tell me: if it SEEMS like you should be thinking/doing/saying something in response to a difficult issue, yet you see that there's really nothing behind that urge, do you really have to react?
Try staying at that cusp, bringing to mind the situation to the point the unpleasant mental and physical sensations are definitely there, such that it seems like you should jump into all the reactions. Look deep and long: can you find anything at all like a programme or something else, any reason you have to react?
- - - - - - - -
Yes, it does feel to be a fruitful area for further reflection. It does seem possible to hold attention on the arising of the reaction, and certainly to be aware that there does appear to be an imperative to act on it, that something needs to be done or said, or even just thought. Having said that - the latest development would appear to be that if the reaction is spotted, and the lack of need to respond also spotted, the optional response seems to want to kick in, the "near friend" of aversion, I suppose, of indifference. It's a 'well, what the f...." sort of impulse.
It also struck me quite strongly that this is what Metta is all about. Not sure if it's by cultivation or by developing deeper awareness, but if a state arises where these potentially aversion producing situations result in a sense of Metta, that would be a very valuable state of affairs. It brings to mind some advice about a way to engage with Metta Bhavana which seems relevant here, to let awareness arise of our current state, the physical sense of it, then drop the question in - "what does your heart really desire". I can see that when this painful aversive reaction is arising that what is desired is the opposite, a warm accepting response.
- - - - - - - -
Glad that makes sense in experience - interesting that the opposite of indifference can kick in, another reaction. Has that reaction occurred with any frequency over the years, or is that new because of how you are inquiring into things here?
In any event, consider that it doesn't actually change the inquiry: whether it is the volcano or subsequent indifference, the "goal" is to not actually go there, but stay with what you don't like and the urge to be doing/saying/thinking something because of that fact.
That sounds like a good metta exercise - for sure it would be great if the responses that 1 or anyone else gives you were motivated purely by metta, to really know and feel that. Here, a suggestion is to stay with what you can actually see and hear, in that judging the extent to which his responses are or aren't motivated by metta requires at least some mind-reading and/or interpretation (i.e., who knows what's actually going through his mind, if you are over-reacting, etc.).
So, try to stay at that cusp, where both the sensations and the tug towards reactivity are unmistakable, and really look. If thoughts or reflections come up, acknowledge them and look behind them - even they are in reaction to what is happening.
Just to be curious - is there any sense that thoughts and reflections, and/or thinking things over, is a way of distracting yourself to some extent?
- - - - - - - -
Right, back to the cusp! And yes, very easily distracted by reflecting and analysing!
- - - - - - - -
Well, it's been a full-on few days since my last email. However, a couple of things seem to emerge. The first is that the flames of aversion appear to be burning less fiercely. I sat through a training session with a person I’ve had a “long history” with, with whom irritation is generally a feature, but was hardly present today.
The second, in a brief moment for reflection, was a sense of increased simplicity. In one way this was that there was less business of mind, with aversion being less active. In another way it felt a bit 'simple minded', with less complexity in thought.
- - - - - - - -
This sounds good! Please notice, especially in typical situations (not sure if you are meeting with 1 again in the next few days...) how that goes.
- Are you anticipating conflict, frustration, etc.?
- If reactions do start up, how intense do they get?
- Do they slam you right away, or is it more of a gradual onset?
- Do they linger and nag, or do they dissolve away more quickly?
Also, please work with the 'procedure' for strong and even not-so-strong reactions, looking for what is behind it.
I'd also be curious to hear more about the simplicity of mind, with less busy-ness. What sorts of thought patterns drop away, and also what sorts of patterns remain?
- - - - - - - -
Another little observation today - some opportunities for annoyance and anger, but in fact it seemed difficult to contact the bodily experience arising. Bringing a situation to mind didn’t bring any corresponding response, but more as if the mind was avoiding it rather than that the response has dissolved. I will pay attention to it over the weekend
- - - - - - - -
That's a very interesting observation that the bodily sensations didn't arise. Can you expand a bit on what you mean by the mind avoiding it? And was it a conscious or unconscious avoidance?
- - - - - - - -
My sense at the moment is that there is an unconscious slithering away from engaging with those mental states and physical accompaniments. If I attempt to ‘will’ an engagement in a moment the mind has slipped off to something else
- - - - - - - -
Thanks for the clarification. It seems that in itself is a reaction - if you can stay with the attempt to engage with some issue, do you get a sense of why the mind wants to slither off? Perhaps put another way, what are you hoping for that isn't happening?
- - - - - - - -
Ok, so here we are again. Bit perplexed, as there is a lot going on in life at the moment. What does anxiety feel like? It's a bit like anger, I guess, but without the heat. There is the tightness, the knot in the abdomen, and a similar lack of clarity about what it's all about, what is underlying it. Anyway, that started to settle as the day drew on.
At work today, I noticed that suddenly my heart was full of such warmth for everyone there, my 'difficult' people included with no effort. And again when trying to contact that feeling of aversion, there was nothing there. But this time it did not feel like it was being avoided, just that there was nothing there to contact. So on this occasion there was no attempt to slither off, there was no problem about bringing to mind the issues, just no painful reaction associated with them, no sense of wanting something else, it was just fine as it was.
- - - - - - - -
Now another day on: in meditation this morning - again quite positive states of mind. If a contentious situation came to mind it was just noted and dropped very easily. At work, the day passed well, though with some background anxiety now and again. A couple of situations occurred that could have provoked a reaction, but in fact didn't. Meditating after work, a quite simple situation came to mind, and very quickly it developed into a proliferation of thoughts with the signs of anger starting to boil up. In part it was based on memory of a previous situation that had gone badly (by my reckoning), and partly on a totally imaginary prediction of what would happen this time. This was 'seen' reasonably quickly, but it was a shock how suddenly it showed up. Again it was like a programme had been set running.
So in this case it was an anticipated conflict, with the signs starting to build up quite rapidly, but when they were noted they dropped away promptly. It's easy to see the overt trigger, but there is definitely a sense of a more subtle trigger behind that, but it has not come into focus. Clearly some sense of "self" is being challenged, and clearly there is no substance to this, all there is is memory and proliferation or speculation. But still it fires off. At least there is no 'slithering off' now, and I can stay with the sensation.
- - - - - - - -
So, in those many opportunities for craving and aversion to really get going, staying with what was(n't) behind it all caused it all to quickly deflate. Stuff will still come up, even with a fair bit of energy - expectation management is helpful here. But if it's clear there's nothing actually behind the reactions ramping up, their support falls away and it all evaporates (until the next time...).
And yes, there is still a strong sense of "self" being challenged here, because you are still identifying with experience. It's certainly more subtle than the grosser version of "selfing" you saw through before, but quite tangible nonetheless. For better or for worse, we're quite talented in this way :-)
So, as you continue to notice reactions start up and look behind them, you tell me: is there anything called desire and ill will, or whatever you would call what's behind self-referent reactions, the reason(s) those reactions start up? Has there ever been?
- - - - - - - -
It's been quite busy over the last week or so, hence the delays with replies. However, I have been reflecting both on and off the cushion over the matters at hand. I've been looking for the rider of this horse that starts galloping away when the conditions leading to anger/ aversion occur. It's continuing to get clearer that when those conditions arise, this triggers the physical symptoms - the tightness, heat, etc, and a particular script of mental dialogue, depending on the situation. It's not clear how, where or when this script gets laid down, just that it starts running in these circumstances. Sometimes related to a particular individual, sometimes to a particular type of situation. There is still no sign of any 'imp' or ego that is there getting offended and kicking this off, or riding the horse! In fact, what seems to be happening now is that when a potentially aversion producing situation occurs, the physical symptoms do not appear to be happening, or at least very mildly. The script starts up, but it seems very obvious, and the absence of anything behind it seems very obvious, so, as you say, it just deflates and evaporates.
So no, there is nothing specific to be called 'ill will', and no apparent entity being offended that is behind the reaction. The how, why, where and when of these responses being laid down remains a mystery, of course.
This has mostly been around ill will so far. It's that which has been most apparent in my experience, and has been the cause of most suffering, and is the most obvious in terms of working with it. Desire has seemed more subtle, but I fear that doesn't mean it isn't as strong, and I sense that I need to engage with that as well now
I have to say this may be a bit of a honeymoon, in that perhaps the 'aversion trigger' hasn't been strongly tested over the last couple of weeks, but time will tell
- - - - - - - -
Thanks for the update :-) Yes, how it all happens, the scripts and the other reactions, and the how, why, where and when it was laid down, is difficult to say. Of course, the same could be said for the "self" - trying to sort out something that doesn't actually exist can be pretty hard!
Ill will being the strongest is probably the most common - good idea to also be on the lookout for desire too.
So yes, see how the trigger situations go, and keep looking behind any reactions that arise. That you are seeing how reactions just start to deflate and evaporate is super :-)
Also, another suggestion is to notice what it feels like when you DON'T say/do what you have the urge to say or do. There may be some secondary reactions to not instantly reacting.
For example, if you're with 1, and you don't defend yourself, acquiesce, etc. as it seems you should, is there a bit of vertigo or disorientation there? Does the script something like "Oh no, I'm not XXXing like I normally do, so something is going wrong here..." start to run? Does it feel like you're working without a net?
So, what are the sensations and initial thoughts when typical urges to react aren't responded to?
- - - - - - - -
It’s very interesting - and I’m not at all sure what is going on! I can’t quite believe that any dramatic change can have taken place, and I certainly haven’t been aware of any ‘big bang’ type experience, but still - things have changed. A lot seems to have dropped away. I have great difficulty in bringing to mind episodes or situations that generate anger or aversion. Well, I can bring a situation to mind, but there isn’t any heat with it, it just seems very ordinary without any additional weight. The usual culprits just aren’t stimulating the tension and story that previously came up. The general experience of other people feels positive and open, and in fact the whole of my experience feels more open and more free. And also, it seems, much clearer. There have been some contacts in conditions that could have caused a reaction, but they haven’t
It seems very premature to say that there has been a fundamental change, and I’m sure I have not been seriously tested so far, so I wait and see from that point of view, but it feels positive and encouraging.
So the process when an interaction occurs without a response seems to be “Oh okay, that's fine then” It just seems quite loose and open. There isn’t any obvious sense of lack or anything missing, just “so that’s how it is ... fine”
There does not appear to be an urge to find an instigator either any more
The thought does arise now and then that perhaps the delving has stopped a bit prematurely, perhaps before enough has been unearthed. I don’t know. At present it feels fine to just be with each situation as they arise, and be aware of the response. But I would welcome your advice on this - how to proceed? Push harder or await emergence?!!
- - - - - - - -
This was a very good email to read :-) :-) :-)
This completely tracks with what I and others have experienced. No big "Wow!" moment necessarily (although that does happen), perhaps just a blink, but what is noticeable is what's missing - most of the reactions. Watching the usual suspects arise and depart without much fanfare becomes par for the course, although major eruptions may still occur.
It typically takes a while to believe this, so no worries there. And yet, as you're finding out, there has been a change in beliefs, that to a significant extent you no longer assume there is something behind potential reactions that makes the reactions necessary. The "proof" that something has changed comes at you several times a day - you just don't react like you used to. A lot of habits have to be worked through, though: the buttons have to be pushed several more times before you are completely convinced there's no circuitry associated with them.
So, my suggestion is to let it settle, and see how it goes. If there are expectations that ALL the reactivity should have disappeared, they didn't :-) And yet, the standard teaching of the reactions being slower to start, milder in intensity and quicker to dissipate can be watched and seen as true.
Further delving at this point may be futile, as things likely need to settle before there is something substantial to delve into. It took several weeks for me to start to see something tangible to work with again. What the heck - enjoy the ride for a while :-) The suggestion is to just keep observing how reactions do or don't arise - it may even be a fun little game to play, and fascinating to watch how situations that used to be unbearable are mild irritations now.
And as I think I hear you say, it's not a matter of being disinterested or withdrawn from the lives of others - anything but. There is now much less standing in the way of the altruistic responses that naturally arise but have been blocked or distorted by "I want this and don't want that". You can more easily just respond, rather than think about it and talk yourself into saying or doing something more selfish.
Well done!!